And I thought it was going to be crap cause I’m self-employed (which basically means broke all the time) and my sisters husband lost his job and we’re all pretty much broke at the moment. And well no one really makes that much of an effort for my birthday but it all turned around. My brother and sister took me to sushi train for lunch (I’m mad for sushi) and then my two best friends came over to give me presents (a matching set of tea cups and a cat face canvas - she knows me so well) and my brothers ex-girlfriend (Who is still an amazing friend) showed up while we were sitting around eating cheesecake and gave me a bunch of flowers. This is awesome because no one has ever bought me flowers before. I keep staring at them.
And then my sister and her hubby took me to the drive inn to see Frozen (I’m a also mad for Disney films) and Anchorman 2. We ate a deep fried mars bar and copious amounts of chips.
It was awesome.
On Tuesday night I saw my father for the first time in I think, four and a half years. For most people that’s probably odd but for me, not so much. To cut a long story short my father turned his back on us a few months after my mothers death. A man that was once loving and caring and the person that everyone liked, turned into a selfish and cruel man. Someone his friends who had known him decades wanted nothing to do with. He put himself first and had no problems with leaving his children behind. He found a new wife, with three sons and started a new family leaving myself, my two older sisters and my younger brother (who was sixteen at the time) behind, without a second glance.
Now I have come to terms with this, I came to terms with my fathers behaviour a long time ago and I am fine not having him in my life. I don’t need him. What bothers me is that the occasion we were together for, was for my Grandmother.
My Grandmother is a devout Mormon and was doing a special ceremony for the church. Now I and my sister are not religious in anyway but we went along for her, because it was important to her. My father was also there with his new wife and two of his step-sons.
What bothered me was the fact that my father is now apparently a serious a devoted member of the church. He goes all the time, attends meetings, prays - all that religious stuff that I don’t understand. What I do not get is how a man who all but abandoned his real children, who was cruel and hurtful and said horribles things to his children, a man who belittled his own daughter and destroyed personal property can stand in a church and talk about how lucky he is to have found God and how much fulfilment his life has when the children he walked away from are not a metre away. We were sitting right there listening to him wax poetic about his fantastic family and all I could think was, ‘You are the most pathetic human being I have ever known.’
Because he is not a family man or a Godly man, he is a man who is clinging. He is a man who cannot stand to be alone and that was why he married that woman who to me is a sore excuse for a human being. The woman that verbally abused me, who psychically assaulted him when she was angry. And yes I understand people can change. People can move on. But if he was so changed and enlightened, how come he didn’t look at me once? How come he didn’t speak a word to me? How come he looked like he couldn’t wait to be anywhere but in the same room as the children he left behind.
I think his new found belief in a God is just a way to justify the horrible things he has said and done. Because if God forgives him, maybe he can justify leaving us behind. It just makes me angry that he can stand there and talk about how fulfilled his life is, when his actions all but tore our family apart.
my life of late has slowly become over run with iphone apps. they are controlling my life. i have apps for everything - working out, budgeting, and the biggest ruler of my life - list making.
i am a lover of lists. i love lists. i love making lists for everything. lists for shopping, lists for cleaning, lists of things i have to get completed daily, lists of work things, lists about blogging - i even write lists of things i have to make a list of. i even bought one of those little note pad to do list things for the things even though i have an app to do that for me!
it’s getting a little crazy to say the least. and no matter how many things i cross off the list, there is always more to add on to it. always.
it’s been a long time since i’ve done one of these. over a year in fact. i never really was good at keeping a diary, even an online one apparently.
nothing has really changed. life goes on. it’s the same old, same old. day in day out. one of my best friends had her second child yesterday. a son. he’s beautiful.
everyone in my house (besides my brother but he doesn’t count because he’s never here) has gone to adelaide for the week so i am home by myself. i don’t think my house has ever been this quiet. its actually kind of creepy. i’m thinking i should use this new found peace and quiet to get some writing done. not that i’ve written anything useful in months but it’s worth a try. i’m gonna turn off the internet for the day so i don’t get distracted. i hope it works. wish me luck.
as of today i have officially been back in QLD for twelve months and have accomplished nothing. unless you count gaining fifteen kilos becoming an ex-vegetarian and being unemployed for twelve months accomplishments?
i came back to QLD because i missed my family and friends. i spent almost two years in sydney feeling lonely but i had accomplished something. i’d found a job i loved and was out meeting new people and trying new things which is what the point of moving was. now i feel like i’m back to where i started. living with my sister (not that i don’t love you sissy) unemployed and dreaming about all the things i want to do instead of doing them. i’m sitting by watching all my friends live out their dream lives and wishing that i was them. i feel like i’m lost and i don’t know which way is up.
it’s mothers day today. i hate mothers day. it’s my fifth one that i’ve had since my mum died and i don’t think that they’ve gotten any easier after five years. what does one do on mothers day when you don’t have a mother to celebrate with?
i spent mine on the couch reading romance novels, watching anime, eating ridiculous amounts of sliced meat products and watching everyone on facebook talk about their wonderful days and looking at the pictures they posted. everyone looks like they had a great day. i envy them that.
so i am still having some serious writers block. i can’t seem to really get anything that i like written down. in the last two days alone i wrote about twelve pages in a notebook and i don’t think i’ve used a single paragraph that i wrote. i don’t know what’s wrong with me but whatever it is i wish it would go away soon.
i wish i could just switch life off and write like i used too. i would lock myself away in my room for days. i can’t remember the last time i did that. a year? since i moved back to QLD i think. life gets stressful and my writing suffers. you think it would have the opposite effect. oh the woes of being an unemployed twenty-two year old aspiring writer.
had a pretty good day. my sister had the day off so we went and got food and drinks and sat and watched one day and hairspray. i cried like a baby during one day. such a beautiful film. then we went grocery shopping. our diet officially starts tomorrow. kinda excited but kinda worried that its not going to work either this time. for some reason whenever i try to lose weight, it never works. i’ve been exercising every day for over a month and nothing has happened. well fingers crossed this works. if not, i’m just gonna have to get lypo. gonna take before and after shots tomorrow and see how it goes. wish me luck!
i hate my brothers hair. i honestly can’t describe how much i hate it. he has this thick wavy hair and is convinced the emo/scene hair style looks good on him. his obsession with anime has driven him to try and make himself look like one. and it makes his head look even bigger than it naturally is. no matter what i do, he won’t cut it. and every time he says he’ll change it he comes home from the hair dressers with THE SAME HAIR CUT!
it’s driving me mad. i’m convinced my brothers hair will be the death of me.
today was a great day. i got to spend it with the always wonderful naomi. we went and got her nails done and to find something for her to wear to my birthday dinner tomorrow night. then we ate junk food and came back home to watch movies in my big sisters bedroom. pretty great day if you ask me. but any day spent with naomi is wonderful no matter what were doing. we could be just sitting in my bedroom talking about nothing in particular or sitting in front of the television watching bad reality shows and still have a blast. best friends are just like that.
wednesday was my birthday. i am now 22 years old which seems infinitely older than being 21 years old even though there is only a years difference. i don’t feel particularly different than i did two days ago. it actually didn’t click until today when i was driving to the gold coast that i am now a year older. it usually takes me a few days to catch up with the age difference.
it also got me thinking about the fact that in the my 22 years of existence i have probably experienced more heartache and bad times than most people my age have or probably should and that i feel considerably older than only 22.
sometimes i think i grew up too fast. i experienced things that most people my age haven’t experience. i’ve lost my mother. my entire family fell apart. my dad hates me. i’ve been kicked out of home twice and had to sleep on my pregnant best friends bedroom floor. had to move interstate cause i had nowhere else to go and i spent a almost two years away from some of the people that mean the most to me in the world. and that’s just the beginning.
now i’m starting to wonder if growing up and being mature for your age has its downsides. i find it hard to relate to people my own age. i don’t get drunk and go dancing like most people my age do. i like to go out to dinner and read books and spend time with my god son. i have nothing to talk about with most people my age and find it hard to make friends with new people. i seem to form better connections with people in their late 20’s and early 30’s than i do with people my age. is that odd? i suppose i’m just odd.