everyone in my house (besides my brother but he doesn’t count because he’s never here) has gone to adelaide for the week so i am home by myself. i don’t think my house has ever been this quiet. its actually kind of creepy. i’m thinking i should use this new found peace and quiet to get some writing done. not that i’ve written anything useful in months but it’s worth a try. i’m gonna turn off the internet for the day so i don’t get distracted. i hope it works. wish me luck.
as of today i have officially been back in QLD for twelve months and have accomplished nothing. unless you count gaining fifteen kilos becoming an ex-vegetarian and being unemployed for twelve months accomplishments?
i came back to QLD because i missed my family and friends. i spent almost two years in sydney feeling lonely but i had accomplished something. i’d found a job i loved and was out meeting new people and trying new things which is what the point of moving was. now i feel like i’m back to where i started. living with my sister (not that i don’t love you sissy) unemployed and dreaming about all the things i want to do instead of doing them. i’m sitting by watching all my friends live out their dream lives and wishing that i was them. i feel like i’m lost and i don’t know which way is up.
it’s mothers day today. i hate mothers day. it’s my fifth one that i’ve had since my mum died and i don’t think that they’ve gotten any easier after five years. what does one do on mothers day when you don’t have a mother to celebrate with?
i spent mine on the couch reading romance novels, watching anime, eating ridiculous amounts of sliced meat products and watching everyone on facebook talk about their wonderful days and looking at the pictures they posted. everyone looks like they had a great day. i envy them that.
so i am still having some serious writers block. i can’t seem to really get anything that i like written down. in the last two days alone i wrote about twelve pages in a notebook and i don’t think i’ve used a single paragraph that i wrote. i don’t know what’s wrong with me but whatever it is i wish it would go away soon.
i wish i could just switch life off and write like i used too. i would lock myself away in my room for days. i can’t remember the last time i did that. a year? since i moved back to QLD i think. life gets stressful and my writing suffers. you think it would have the opposite effect. oh the woes of being an unemployed twenty-two year old aspiring writer.
had a pretty good day. my sister had the day off so we went and got food and drinks and sat and watched one day and hairspray. i cried like a baby during one day. such a beautiful film. then we went grocery shopping. our diet officially starts tomorrow. kinda excited but kinda worried that its not going to work either this time. for some reason whenever i try to lose weight, it never works. i’ve been exercising every day for over a month and nothing has happened. well fingers crossed this works. if not, i’m just gonna have to get lypo. gonna take before and after shots tomorrow and see how it goes. wish me luck!
i hate my brothers hair. i honestly can’t describe how much i hate it. he has this thick wavy hair and is convinced the emo/scene hair style looks good on him. his obsession with anime has driven him to try and make himself look like one. and it makes his head look even bigger than it naturally is. no matter what i do, he won’t cut it. and every time he says he’ll change it he comes home from the hair dressers with THE SAME HAIR CUT!
it’s driving me mad. i’m convinced my brothers hair will be the death of me.
today was a great day. i got to spend it with the always wonderful naomi. we went and got her nails done and to find something for her to wear to my birthday dinner tomorrow night. then we ate junk food and came back home to watch movies in my big sisters bedroom. pretty great day if you ask me. but any day spent with naomi is wonderful no matter what were doing. we could be just sitting in my bedroom talking about nothing in particular or sitting in front of the television watching bad reality shows and still have a blast. best friends are just like that.
wednesday was my birthday. i am now 22 years old which seems infinitely older than being 21 years old even though there is only a years difference. i don’t feel particularly different than i did two days ago. it actually didn’t click until today when i was driving to the gold coast that i am now a year older. it usually takes me a few days to catch up with the age difference.
it also got me thinking about the fact that in the my 22 years of existence i have probably experienced more heartache and bad times than most people my age have or probably should and that i feel considerably older than only 22.
sometimes i think i grew up too fast. i experienced things that most people my age haven’t experience. i’ve lost my mother. my entire family fell apart. my dad hates me. i’ve been kicked out of home twice and had to sleep on my pregnant best friends bedroom floor. had to move interstate cause i had nowhere else to go and i spent a almost two years away from some of the people that mean the most to me in the world. and that’s just the beginning.
now i’m starting to wonder if growing up and being mature for your age has its downsides. i find it hard to relate to people my own age. i don’t get drunk and go dancing like most people my age do. i like to go out to dinner and read books and spend time with my god son. i have nothing to talk about with most people my age and find it hard to make friends with new people. i seem to form better connections with people in their late 20’s and early 30’s than i do with people my age. is that odd? i suppose i’m just odd.